A Quiet Mind: What's That?
How getting an official diagnosis was a step toward immense clarity.
I began preparing myself before logging online. I was growing more anxious by the minute as I joined the virtual waiting room for my appointment with the psychiatrist. As I started to notice my leg bouncing, heart rate increasing, and thoughts over flowing, my mind wandered and I thought:
“What are you thinking? There’s no need to follow through with this, you’re making things up. It’s no big deal. Just log off and cancel it.”
Patiently Sitting and waiting felt like an eternity, though she was only running behind schedule (with notice) 5 minutes. Working within the field as a helping professional, I understand - besides, I honestly didn’t care as it was providing more time to try and calm myself.1 She logged on and immediately everything in my mind and body froze, “this is it.”
Her voice cut through a fog as I realized she had asked me a question. It took immense energy to snap back to the screen and focus. The irony, she was able to comfort me and provide validation within moments - I then knew I had found the right provider for me. Without actively recognizing it, she was carrying on conversation with me while simultaneously working her way through different criteria points to assess for Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
“Let’s just get right to it - you have ADHD.”
I honestly didn’t know how to react - there was a flood of emotions all at once. Relief, shock, comfort, sadness, contentment, grief, anger. It felt like an ocean tide with a rough wave, followed by a calmness, and then rough waters all over again. The rest of the session suddenly flashed by and before I knew it we were waving goodbye and clicking “end.”
As I reflect back on that day, it was such a blur. Leading up to the psychiatry appointment, for months I had struggled with sleep, depression, anxiety, varying moods that seemed to have no tuning meter on regulation. There were several doctors appointments, mindless readings on various conditions, and many assumed diagnoses that fell flat after discovering remedies and prescribed solutions were not resolving anything.
Some Symptoms
So here’s the thing, I could rattle off a shit load of symptoms and experiences that eventually ascribed my whole being with ADHD. But, I’ll spare you all and share just some.2
A mind, a brain, a headspace that just would not SHUT UP. Constant noise, thoughts, ruminations, songs, sounds, memories. It was less loud in the daytime and the loudest at night. The moment my head would hit the pillow, my brain was like “this is the perfect time to worry AND brainstorm your entire career, passions, dreams” … “oh, and did you forget to respond back to that email?”
Difficulty regulating emotions, especially anger/frustration - anything that struck deeply or felt like some sort of criticism of character.
Misplacing, losing, and literally forgetting about things - out of sight, out of mind. This includes people.
Living in a constant state of dichotomy, a few examples: operate extremely well when things are organized, yet can never stay organized; feel the most calm in a clean environment, yet struggle to maintain consistency with household cleaning rituals; crave and desire social connection, yet have difficulty keeping up with said connections.
Fidgety, especially when trying to think, listen, or when feeling nervous/anxious.
Hyperfixations that would lead to problematic outcomes (i.e., focusing so intently on something and disregarding care tasks, running late/over on time, etc.)
Hobby hopping - going through waves of pure excitement on something new or revisiting an older hobby/interest. Spending ample time and money, just to lose interest in them months later and shifting to something else.
A trail of what many in the community refer to as “missed opportunities.” Constantly dreaming up goals and plans, yet never following through (for many reasons).3
Okay, that was quite more than I had anticipated. Bear in mind, if you resonate with a few or several of these yourself that doesn’t automatically qualify you for the ADHD squad. Though, you are more than welcome to join the squad if you’d like.
We’re some badass peeps.
After diagnosis and several months of integrating pharmaceutical, behavioral, and cognitive interventions4, I finally experienced a “quiet mind.” Now, not like blank, zippo, zilch. More so there was not a constant barrage of narration, rumination, planning, dreaming, etc. My thoughts, words, and sentences were forming as I was talking versus me talking AND thinking about several sentences ahead at a time. My inner critic took a vacation. For once, I could lay my head on the pillow and my brain would not immediately begin a three hour speech.
I am me. I have ADHD.
It is now about 1 year and 4 months since I finally feel more align with and in understanding of my brain. Knowing that it just works differently and super quickly at times. That while it may have many quirks and sometimes problematic consequences, it also yields creativity, passion, and pure raw excitement about so many things.
It is nothing I fear anymore.
My ADHD, thought it has led to ample frustration, missed opportunities, is something I want to build a relationship with. I want to holds hands with it. I don’t want to hate it as that will yield nothing but more hate.
One day, some day, those missed opportunities, dreams, goals will come true. Even if the process of getting there looks a bit more zig-zaggy than the paths of others.
Thank you for spending time out of your day to read this. I hope that in some way, you were able to take something from this for yourself. And if not, I appreciate you holding space for me and providing a source of comfort.5
Until next time,
Brenton
Footnotes/ADHD Thought Trains
calm, who the hell am I kidding. It was gut wrenching. I couldn’t fidget enough and the doubts crept in - like a parade of elephants - I was probably just making shit up.
mainly because in this moment, I can’t remember all of the symptoms and experiences - ha. And my anxiety says that the readers would be so bored reading paragraphs upon paragraphs and just give up on this post altogether.
embarrassingly enough, this blog was one of them. It was out of sight, out of mind as life continued to just zoom on by. Then, thanks to harsh self-criticism, I delayed the reintegration. I realized I needed to blog in a way that made sense for me and my brain, and hopefully it can make sense to you all, too. Thus, here we are. With multiple thought trains by way of footnotes.
I don’t mind disclosing what has worked for me, but I’ll hold off on sharing that right now and can include in a later post if there is any interest.
having spent years always feeling like an odd man out, the weird kid/guy, quiet, it is comforting knowing that there are supportive people out there in this world. there are other people who get it. who have felt the same. who have thought the same.