Self-Acceptance: The Unconditional Self-Love
How often do you find yourself focusing on mistakes you’ve made and rarely celebrating the good that comes your way?
Perhaps you find it challenging to look in the mirror and unconditionally look at yourself - flaws and all. Flaws are subjective, though. They are interpretations and beliefs that have developed through life and decide to overstay their welcome. What would it be like for you to finally let go of those perceived flaws and radically accept the whole of you?
If I were to ask you, “Name 3 things you don’t appreciate about yourself,” how quickly would you name those 3 things? Though this is not an actual experiment, I’d imagine that for many it may be pretty quick. Our inner critic is always awaiting an opportunity to speak up and spill the tea (or, spill the beans). Often times, we can provide compliments and speak highly of those near and dear in our lives; yet, this particular ability becomes more challenging when directed at ourselves.
Negative Self-Talk
Negative self-talk can be influenced by a multitude of factors, but may often be a result of the development of core beliefs from childhood experiences. Whether it was from a parental figure or even a friend, internalized messages can suppress your energy, motivation, and confidence.
Negative core beliefs may sound like: “I am not enough,” “I can never do enough,” “I’ll never stop worrying,” “I will always overreact,” or perhaps “I am unworthy.” These internalized beliefs of Self heavily impact your daily functioning and can feel incredibly unwavering.
Emma Dibdin wrote about negative self-talk for PsychCentral stating that challenging and reframing negative self-talk is a commitment and as core beliefs are often deep-rooted and persistent, having a mental health professional to walk alongside you may provide you with the support and advocacy you need. The ultimate goal being that the inner critic becomes less controlling, quiets its impact, and is replaced with positive self-talk and radical self-acceptance. You don’t have to do it alone.
What is Self-Acceptance?
Did you automatically think of 3 things you don’t appreciate about yourself when it was mentioned earlier? Or at the very least, 1 thing? Self-acceptance is the act of embracing the all of you - yes, including any assumed flaws. It’s important to note that self-esteem and self-acceptance are different. While self-esteem focuses on the confidence you have toward your abilities and qualities, self-acceptance is unconditional and absent of judgment.
The road to self-acceptance can be quite rough, bumpy, and daunting. Developing and nurturing self-compassion helps smooth the road toward self-acceptance. Bear in mind that learning how to validate our own worthiness is no quick task. This can take months to years to harness.
Loving myself is hard. Why?
A sad but realistic truth is that many often treat themselves in ways they’d never treat another person, especially those considered loved ones.
No upbringing experience is the same. Individuals experience varying levels of support from parental and/or authority figures and that influences negative core beliefs carried into adulthood. If we were often shamed or punished for shortcomings or mistakes, we may consistently (and sometimes obsessively) exhaust ourselves trying to prove our worth.
I believe it’s also important to note the impact systemic oppression has on the development of negative core beliefs. Systemic oppression adds tremendous stress to an individual’s life experience. Being consistently faced with exclusion, discrimination, harassment, and even hate crimes leads an individual to be in perpetual survival mode (heightened sympathetic nervous system, increased risk for chronic health conditions, difficulty processing and retaining focus/clarity, etc.). Which can then create loneliness, isolation, and the development of negative core beliefs and hindered self-acceptance.
Unpacking and discovering core beliefs or processing internalized messages from our past may require in-depth work with a professional. There are small steps you can take in the meantime to help begin your process of self-acceptance and start the journey toward healing - this will be on the next posting!
Final thoughts
You may or may not be ready to begin your healing journey, but always know that the inner critic may attempt to dampen your mood, stomp on your successes, and tamper with your self-love. Through personal healing and continued work, you can challenge negative self-talk and begin your journey toward radical self-acceptance.
Know that you are doing the best you can with the resources you have available. You are resilient. You continue to show up and do the damn thing (life). You are allowed to feel good. You belong. And no matter what, there is no right way. This is your journey, your life, and your healing journey.
Take care in the meantime,
Brenton